Thy Will

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Today, after a 3 hour appointment at the doctor’s office, I went across the street to Brandon Regional Hospital, which I have frequented often due to mom’s health issues. However, this time I went for myself.

The long drive up the parking garage felt different then all of the times I had driven up it before. This time, instead of checking in at security and heading to the elevators to go to mom’s room, I went to registration. I then saw the pre-op nurse.

April 23rd, after weeks of prayer, I tested positive on a pregnancy test. We weren’t trying. It was a total “God thing” that it happened. Really. I can share that story with you if you want to know. Casey wasn’t ready. I was. To my surprise, he was excited.

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We started making plans. I filled out a “Belly Book” pregnancy journal. I bought a shirt to wear and announce it. I read “The Healthy Pregnancy” book. We weren’t going to wait 12 weeks, because “that” wouldn’t happen to us. We discussed names. I ate organically, cut out sweets, artificial colors and flavors, high fructose corn syrup, etc. I took high quality prenatal, EFA’s, etc. I had the pregnancy symptoms.

Then at 6 weeks I spotted a little. No cramping, so there wasn’t much concern. Went in for my first appointment days later. Had my very first ultrasound, not under the circumstances I had wished. No heartbeat. It was still early though.

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I returned the following week and still no heartbeat and an enlarged yolk sack. “What is the baby measuring at?” I asked the doctor. 1 day larger than the ultrasound 6 days prior. It was no longer a viable pregnancy. What?? The doctor talked of having a D&C, going under anesthesia, having my uterus cleaned out of “products of conception,” etc. It was too much to handle.

I felt as though I was taking a walk of shame out of the building. So many expectant mothers sat in the waiting room, bellies protruding, and I walked out with a tear stricken face trying to hold it all in so I wouldn’t scare them. My eyes met a young pregnant mother who had two toddlers with her. I watched her unload them from her car when I arrived. As I pulled away she was loading them into the car. Our gaze met. I think she knew.

A fellow blogger, Vanessa Dionne says it best:

Miscarriage is one of the most painful kinds of death we can experience because it seems so unfair. Blinded to the sanctity of unborn life, our fallen world cannot offer hope to the woman who has lost her baby. We cannot find our hope in this fallen world. We must turn back to the Author who alone creates, cherishes, and sustains life according to His will.

My world came crashing down upon me. I was angry at God. He knew how long I had prayed for this. “We’ll try again honey,” Casey said as he tried to comfort me in the doctor’s office. We didn’t think this would happen to us. We scheduled another ultrasound to confirm a week out.

I spent three days grieving. I began to heal, although I felt so very alone. 1 in 4 women miscarry, and they usually suffer in silence. I wanted to go public with my story in effort to help those who have gone through this, but also to help those who haven’t gain a better understanding of it.

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I want to give some advice to those who have never experienced a miscarriage, as it truly is difficult to comprehend if you haven’t walked through it. I have found that I have needed to have a lot of grace. Those who have walked (or crawled through this) will be able to relate. I will make this a separate blog.

Jalene Browning, a fellow jeweler and Christian sister of mine shared a song with me the day before my follow up. It changed my outlook. I clung to this song as my anthem. Had I not, I would have come out from the next appointment angry and bitter. I returned at my 8 week ultrasound to have the miscarriage confirmed.

 

Today has been 28 days since my baby got it’s wings. Yes, it was my baby, heartbeat or not. I believe life begins at conception. I was holding up quite well, even Saturday when the spotting started. I wanted to pass it naturally, although I had heard how painful it could be, and the chance of needing to go to the ER due to so much blood loss. The memories came flooding back. This wasn’t over. It was like throwing salt into an old wound. Monday I went to the doctor and they recommended a D&C based on how much time had passed. I didn’t want to do it.

At 3:45am this morning on the way to the bathroom, I believed I passed everything. It was horrible, yet surprisingly painless. I thought to myself, “Could this be it?” I hadn’t had contractions or “labor” as so many describe. I went in today for another ultrasound and was told it wasn’t over. “Just do the D&C so you can begin to heal from this,” the doctor said yet again. “But it’s beginning,” I countered back. I knew it could take time, a lot more time, and then the risk of infection would be high. I also ran the risk of not passing it all, and needing a D&C anyway. I just wanted to be over it. 28 days later . . .

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The hospital was so cold. I felt so alone. Two ladies who worked there told me that I have such a positive outlook despite my circumstances. I gave God all the glory for this, because it truly is by His strength that I have been able to get though this.

On the drive home the tears came. I tried so hard to do this the natural way—to let nature take it’s course, but I’m tired. Tired of waiting, and not knowing when and where it will happen. I cried because I felt so weak in that moment. I am having surgery to remove the remains of my pregnancy . . .

I looked at the hospital bands on my arm and tears flooded my face as I drove home listening to “Thy Will” and trying to sing along through the tears. I gave in to the procedure I was so dead-set against. To me, it is essentially an abortion. It’s the same procedure. In fact, the doctor slipped up and caught herself saying “abortion” and quickly said “miscarriage”. I know my baby is no more. It’s just a scary thought, especially when you read the description of the procedure on the consent form . . .

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But, I know that this whole experience is nature’s way of saying that something wasn’t right. Chromosomally, something wasn’t right. God knows. He is God and I am not, just as the song states. Casey and I will get though this. We will trust our Father, even when we don’t understand and circumstances don’t seem fair. He has our best interests at heart.

I want to thank those who knew about this and have prayed for me and reached out to me to see how I have been holding up. I especially want to thank Kelly Spezzano and Jalene Browning, my fellow Premier sisters, as well as Mike Glenn of Premier Designs prayer team. Your love and support have meant so much to me. Also, thank you Jenny Cruz and Jessica White for your encouragement and support. May God bless you immensely. Momma Del, your texts meant so much to me. Cheryl Johnston, your tears and prayers touched my spirit deeply. And lastly, my sister Janet: Your calls, texts, and tears helped me during such a difficult time. Love you.

My procedure is at 10:30am tomorrow. I would appreciate all of the prayers and support I can get. I know I will leave feeling empty. But I know this isn’t the end of my story. As with my accident, this test will become a testimony. This season may take awhile to heal from, but healing will come.

 

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 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” —Psalm 34:18

 

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22 thoughts on “Thy Will

  1. There are few words to express the deep sorrow your friends and family feel in this situation, Jen. Your post will help others, I know. I’m thankful you and Casey know God and trust Him with your everything. I’ll be praying tomorrow, too.

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  2. My heart is mourning with you Jen…your eloquent words penetrated my spirit and it presented such a desire to worship Father more! Your story is only at the beginning…never forget that!!! YOU my sweet friend are NEVER alone!!! I love you and am standing in agreement with your prayers. Father has tomorrow in HIS hands! Rest in His shelter!!!

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  3. May you know and understand that the word “abortion” is a word that speaks to a life taken by force. You didn’t have an abortion. This was nature taking its course so please don’t place that word on your efforts at protecting your health and future attempts at becoming the mother you apparently so long to be. Love you, Sis!

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    • Thanks sis. I know I didn’t, it just doesn’t sit right with me that it’s essentially the same procedure. Even the vaginal pill used to start a “natural” miscarriage is called an “Abortion Pill.” 😞 Love you too. 😘💞

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  4. So sorry to hear this…..We too suffered a miscarriage….I was 12 weeks when It started and I can remember it like it was yesterday. The baby was due on Jordan’s (our oldest) second birthday…..even he experienced the loss and had a moment where he seemed to understand and comfort us….it was the sweetest most enduring thing…..we struggled, but God gave us our answer when we found out three months later that we were carrying Jazlyn…..I’m reminded often that without the loss we experienced my Jazlyn would never have been possible….and she was SO worth the wait!! I call her my Ace in the hole because she’s always there for me when I need her most!! In more ways then one!! I pray that God will soon reveal His purpose to you two as well, so that your hearts can be overwhelmed with the Peace and Understanding only He brings. Take your time to grieve this loss and don’t let anybody tell you how you need to feel. Just continue to Trust in God and love one another.!!! The rest will all take care of itself!! God bless you both!! Take care!!

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    • Thanks so much hon. I am so very sorry for your loss. God sure does have a funny way of working things out doesn’t He? He is faithful. God bless you and your family as well. 💞

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  5. OMG could not sleep tonight so I got up and was scrolling though and saw this, there have been few things that have brought me to tears, this is one of them. I am so sorry to hear this Jen for you and for Casey, prayers go out to ya’ll. Glad to see that you still are a huge light to others saying I am in the same boat with you or if you need to jump in my boat I am here for you even in my hard times to give you support. I am also still glad that your Faith and Trust in God is still out of this world, it totally reassures that we don’t serve a random God but one that has a plan and is the the author of life and his timing is perfect and when and where he is ready you know he has got this, you and Casey. Praying for you Sis. Love ya’ll.

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  6. My heart goes out to you, dear friend. I understand more than you know. My husband and I both slipped into depression and estrangement from God (due to anger) between my 5th and 6th miscarriage; mine lasted 2 years, his lasted 10. I will devote my prayer walk this morning entirely to you and Casey. Somehow, Papa God will see you through this. It helped me a lot to have a private (just me) ceremony to release my baby to Jesus then picture Him sitting rocking my precious little one, holding her close to His chest. It’s another reason for us to look forward to heaven – we get to see our little ones for the first time!

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    • Thanks Deb. And thanks for the follow. 😊 I am so sorry you are familiar will this pain. Thankfully, Casey and I are doing quite well. Our faith has gotten us through. I love you and so appreciate your words of encouragement. Blessings to you. 💞

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  7. Praying for you. I can’t even begin to understand the pain. Having a child diagnosed with an untreatable, life-long “disability” when he was a toddler brought a bit of the grieving of loss, but I still have him with me, so while it was the loss of what I thought would be, I still have something. And you are right – God is going to use, actually, I am sure, has already used this experience in your life to bless so many others, and through that, bless you. Had my son not been diagnosed with autism, my opportunities to grow in God’s grace and love, and my opportunities to share God with others would be vastly diminished. But it is never fun to go through the pain that brings the gain. Praying for peace and comfort tomorrow!

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  8. Jen and Casey
    What gracious words of love, support, understanding, empathy and sympathy have been penned by these individuals who love you and are standing in the gap for you….With tears, my heart was deeply touched as I slowly scrolled through each loving comment. Yes, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. His Word is always available to sustain the one who is devastated. May you find strength in the promises of His Word and may God’s peace comfort you as His love engulfs you. Jen, not only is God present but His own heart is moved by your suffering. Never forget that in the midst of being overwhelmed by this grief and despair you can experience God’s comfort as He has also joined you in your pain and grief.
    With much love and prayers
    MIKE

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much “Dad”. On FB the link to my blog has received 97 reactions (likes, sad faces, love icons) and 92 comments. The support has been overwhelming. God is so very faithful. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. I look forward to hugging you in July. 💞

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  9. Oh my Jennifer and Casey sorry you both had to endure such a joyful blessing and then the heart wrenching loss outcome! Stay strong and positive in this grieving period; hope on a miracle to come soon! You both are in my thoughts and prayers

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