Little Gifts

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So there I was, letting my dog out front to do his morning business, and I kept seeing little flickers of color on the ground. As I looked closer, I was captivated by these little creatures. They looked like butterflies, but also like moths . . . When they flew to the next flower, their wings moved so quickly that it looked like a blur of orange in motion.

This will be added to my “one thousand gifts” list. I searched online to try to find out what exactly it was, but couldn’t. Then I realized that it doesn’t really matter.

Sometimes we just need to slow down and enjoy the gifts Papa gives us, no matter how small. Even if we aren’t quite sure what they are.

I know every bird in the mountains, and the insects in the fields are mine.
 -Psalm 50:11

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Pursuit

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Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord.
His going forth is established as the morning;
He will come to us like the rain,
Like the latter and former rain to the earth. —Hosea 6:3

Life is hard. I get it. Prayers seem unanswered. Days seem long. To-do lists don’t get done. We don’t seem to thrive, but strive. The Father looks down lovingly upon us and says, “My child, all you need to do is pursue me, and everything else will fall into place.” But oh, how difficult that can be.

I look at God and relationship with Him as my ultimate goal, yet so much seems to get in the way and hinder that pursuit. I give Him an hour or so each morning, some worship throughout the day, and a couple of days at church throughout the week, but insecurities show up, offense rears it’s ugly head, and Satan whispers lie after lie into my ear to try and make me feel like a failure. Can anyone else relate?

I’ve had this growing urge to pursue Papa harder, with a driving force of faith that can’t be stopped. Not by my circumstances. Not by relationships. Not by my perception of things. Just a passionate pursuit that stops at nothing. To pursue something is to not stop until it is obtained. Dictionary.com defines pursuit as “an effort to secure or attain; quest.” Ultimately, we can’t “obtain” God until we get to heaven, but we do have His Spirit in us. In other words, it’s a thirst we should never have quenched. We should always desire to go deeper, to experience Him more, being taken from glory to glory.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
 —2 Corinthians 3:18 (NIV)

But it’s difficult. Life get’s in the way. Right? But oh, how I desire to go deeper, to experience Him more, to receive such revelation of His love and my identity in Him. It’s all in the pursuit. If I stop the pursuit I cannot obtain the prize. In fact, Paul talks about this very thing:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.
 —1 Corinthians 9:24 (ESV)

We mustn’t run aimlessly, or get sidetracked from the race because someone is handing out Gatorade samples on the sideline. No, we must continue in pursuit of the One who can give us everything we need or desire. After all, it’s in Him that we will find rest.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

You might say, “But that’s contradictory. How can I be running a race and find rest?” Well beloved, God’s is an upside down kingdom. In order to be first, you must be last. In order to go higher, you must get lower. In pursuing Him, in meditating on His word and keeping it hidden in our hearts, we will receive revelation of His love, of our identity in Him, and ultimately obtain a peace that surpasses all understanding even in the midst of the race. How glorious is that?! Enjoy this song. Enjoy the race. Rest in the pursuit. ❤

Hope Rising

A beautiful sunrise on the way to my mom's ALF.

A beautiful sunrise on the way to my mom’s ALF.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. —Hebrews 11:1

I’m so thankful for hope. I’m thankful for the hope Christ gives me. I’m thankful for the hope the physical therapist gave me when he said that my current “problem” could be due to having weak hip external rotators, and weak tibial internal rotators. It turns out the Navy was wrong when they said my femoral rod was externally rotated 15 degrees. My muscles are just severely atrophied and want to operate in a way that is contrary to the way my body was designed before the accident.

P.T. is quite painful, but as the saying goes “no pain, no gain.” I’ve gone through it many times before. I went to my first appointment this go round remembering the doctors’ words that I will need another operation, yet I left with the hope of healing through strengthening my muscles. I’m hanging on that hope. I’m hanging on the Lord.

What are you hopeful for? A physical healing? A promotion at work? Healing in your marriage? I’d like to pray with you and believe for that which you are hoping for. Be blessed! ❤

Sailing

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I saw the trauma doctor that my ankle doc referred me to earlier this week. He recommended a CT scan of my femur/leg/ankle to see if the rotation of my rod is what’s causing the issues. He doesn’t think it is.

Immediately following that appointment I went to a different Florida Orthopedic Institute location to have the CT scan done. Two days later I met with the doctor to discuss the findings.

My rod isn’t rotated enough to be causing the pain and difficulty with walking. I have an extreme amount of valgus in my ankle, as well as some in my femur, that is causing the pain and difficulty walking. Nine to ten degrees of valgus is normal after an ankle fusion, but I have 30+ degrees . . .

He asked if I will try therapy, since it’s been over seven months since my operation and I haven’t had any. He said he understands that I’m “over” this, and want to move on with my life (I was hoping to get a surgery date when I saw him on Monday), but he would like me to try therapy for some strengthening. He followed that statement with saying, “I think you are going to need another surgery, but I think it’s best to give your body a break and at least try to build up some muscle beforehand.” *Sigh*

I didn’t cry until after I left. I’m considering getting an attorney due to the malpractice of my VA doctor that got me into this mess. The three doctors at FOI that I have seen have all been in shock when they learned that I had a total ankle implant at the age of 27. They call me a salvage case.

The desires of my heart are to serve God to the best of my abilities and someday have children of my own, but until the surgeries cease and the healing comes, I’m afraid that isn’t an option (the latter). But only God knows the end of the story. I find myself yearning more and more for that glorified body I will receive in heaven. In the meantime, I simply have to adjust my sails and try my best to enjoy the ride.

Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. —Jeremiah 17:14