But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” -1 Kings 19:4
I drive to the dreaded follow up appointment for my ankle fusion, afraid of what the doctor might say due to the extreme amount of pain I am in after six months. The news was just as I had expected—my femoral rod needs to be rotated 15 degrees.
My eyes begin leaking at this point, and I find myself apologizing profusely to my doctor, the receptionist, and anyone else who caught me in the torrent or tears.
If only I had allowed the Navy to fix my rod a week after my transport from MUSC. It would have been a lot easier to do then, than six years later. Then the questions come. Will this operation be covered by insurance? It was related to my accident, but I was medically retired due to my ankle, not my femur. Will I be able to get convalescent pay for this, or will I need to reopen a claim for disability for this beforehand. Ugh.
While still in tears, I call a different Florida Orthopedic Institute to schedule an appointment with the Department of Trauma . . . Oh how those words rekindle memories lain dormant. I never dreamed that six years after my accident I would be visiting the Department of Trauma for yet another procedure . . . I have that appointment July 27th.
This morning during my Bible study I came across the above verse. Just before that, I read 1 Kings 18:36-37:
And at the time of the offering of the oblation, Elijah the prophet came near and said, “O Lord, God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, let it be known this day that you are God in Israel, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your word. Answer me, O Lord, answer me, that this people may know that you, O Lord, are God, and that you have turned their hearts back.”
I paused a moment, and then read it out loud. Hadn’t that been my cry? I think of all the people I have come in contact with and shared my testimony with. I think of all the hundreds of doctors, nurses, and x-ray technicians over the past six years. I think of all of those I know who struggle with unbelief. Maybe my miracle could make them believe! But . . . maybe God wants them to believe on their own, not because of signs, wonders, and miracles. Maybe He wants their hearts to turn to Him without the fire that followed after Elijah’s prayer.
I don’t wish to die as Elijah did in his request to the Lord. No, but often times I do cry out, “It is enough; now, O Lord.” I would have been happy to stop at 11 surgeries, and not spend another year recovering from them. I was excited to really work my Premier Designs jewelry business after just having returned from an inspirational and incredibly moving Nationally Rally Sunday, especially since we are heading into our busiest season yet, but now another operation looms ahead.
After reading my Bible this morning, I opened up my Premier Design’s devotional, “Keeping it Personal,” and the verse for today was non other than 1 Kings 19:4 . . . I hadn’t opened that devotional in weeks. I don’t believe it was by chance, but rather that it was by design. God wanted to remind me that when I feel as though I can’t take anymore, he is but a breath away. His angel is ready to touch me and tell me to “arise and eat” (1 Kings 19:5). He is there to refresh my spirit, strengthen me, and then send me on a 40 day journey to the mount of God where he will speak to me not through the wind, earthquake, or fire, but in a still, small voice. Elijah called, and God answered. It just took a little longer than he had anticipated.
Prayer: Sovereign God, you are all knowing. You are majestic. You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. When I feel as though it is enough and I can’t take anymore, refresh my spirit with your truth and love, preparing me for the journey ahead. Remind me that it IS enough, Your love, that is. Thank you for your amazing grace. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.