I stare at the Christmas tree in the living room of our new home and am hesitant to take it down, just as I was hesitant to pull out of the driveway of mom’s old home yesterday after gathering the last of my belongings. I sat there gripping the steering wheel as the rain crept down my windshield, wondering why it was so difficult for me to take my foot off of the brake and press onto the gas.
I had taken mental snapshots of the hallway, the bathroom, the bedrooms, the kitchen, the living room—the spaces I occupied for so many years. The spaces Dad had occupied. They are no more. He is no more. He passed away four days ago while I was on vacation in Wisconsin. I never dreamed that I would be starting 2015 without my daddy.
I took an actual snapshot of the house with my phone before driving away, as if the picture could capture the years of life inside of that house. It’s the letting go that I find most difficult—the letting go of moments, of memories. Yet somehow, I know they are safe deep in the caverns of my heart.
Today marks the beginning of a new year—the first without my father, but a new one nonetheless. It’s going to be a journey, but thankfully not one that I have to walk alone. For me, this will be a year of letting go of things that need to be released: guilt, clutter, bitterness, unforgiveness, stress, etc. Most importantly, I will let go of the need to beat myself up when I end up grasping onto something for too long before letting it go, like this Christmas tree . . . Now that I have finally started this blog I better put it away already. Slowly but surely, one ornament at a time, it will get done. I won’t be emailing my dad to ask him to proofread my post this time (he always loved reading my blog posts). But hey, with a degree in writing and a minor in professional & technical writing, I shouldn’t need him to, right? (Yeah right!) 😉
What have you resolved to do in 2015?
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.